


Memories

by ClimbingClassTrash (ActuallyElliot)



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, alcoholic parent, pre-story parent death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2019-05-04 23:26:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14604048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ActuallyElliot/pseuds/ClimbingClassTrash
Summary: "Do you wanna be best friends?"





	1. Meeting

When a new student started at Josh’s school, he was immediately wary of him. Josh was in third grade, and the new student, a nerdy kid with big thick glasses who always sat in the front of the class, shared both his math class and homeroom. None of the other kids really interacted with Chris either, not that they really interacted with Josh, but most of them already had their own tight knit groups, with no space for a weird stranger who mysteriously appeared in the middle of a term. One thing Josh did notice however, was that Chris got good grades in math, and he did not. In an effort to improve, he took it upon himself to brave sitting at the front of the class, next to the mystery boy, to try and copy off his notes. 

While Chris was oblivious of most things, even he noticed the way Josh suddenly appeared beside him, neck craned to see his paper, looking away quickly every time he turned around. Chris wasn’t really used to anyone interacting with him in a non-negative way at this school so far, and so made an effort to write a little neater, and a little closer to the edge of the desk. While they didn’t talk outside of class, Chris managed to shoot some smiles Josh’s way, and in time some got returned to him. Chris started actually looking forward to math class even more. 

At lunch, Chris started sitting at the opposite end of the mostly empty table where Josh sat, definitely better than getting nasty glares trying to squeeze onto any other table already filled with cliques of kids who seemingly resented Chris just for existing in their presence.  
Josh noticed Chris, and, like in math, occasionally shot him smiles over the lunch table, although both boys were to shy to actually say anything to each other. One day Josh sat in his usual seat in math, and Chris was nowhere to be found. Josh was distracted during the whole class, trying to look around and see if Chris had sat somewhere else, but when lunch arrived and Chris was nowhere to be seen, Josh figured he wasn’t there. He couldn’t help but be a little disheartened that his quiet friendship might be over, maybe Chris moved away again.

The next day at lunch Chris skulked up to the table, sat down and rested his chin on his arms. Josh looked up from his lunch and over at Chris, excited to see him again. He smiled over at him, but instead of his usual warm smile, Chris could only give him a weak half twist of the mouth, and looked back down. Josh looked at the empty table in front of Chris and nudged him. 

“Hey, where's your lunch?”

Chris lifted his head off the table to meet Josh’s green eyes. “I don’t have one” he sighed.

“Why not?” Josh was perplexed, and Chris offered no insight with an unenthusiastic shrug of the shoulders. The older boy looked down at his lunch box, A baloney and cheese sandwich, a pot of pudding, and a couple of fruit snacks, lovingly prepared by mom. He took half of his sandwich, his pudding and some apple slices and slid them over to the blond haired boy. Chris looked shocked and suspicious, as if Josh was about to pull them out of his reach and laugh, but Josh just patted the bench next to him, so Chris slid along excitedly, beaming at Josh with a toothy grin and happily dug into his new lunch. 

After that day, Josh asked his mom to pack him an extra sandwich because “there's a boy at school who doesn’t bring lunch ever and he’s hungry too”. She was sympathetic to Chris, and even gave Josh some extra lunch money on fridays so the two boys could get a pizza. Josh started coming home happier, telling her all about this new friend he has who he shares his lunch with, spends recess with, and who has been helping him with his math. 

Friday afternoon, Chris was sat with Josh during afternoon recess in their usual spot, watching the more athletically inclined kids playing kickball. One of the things Chris loved about hanging out with Josh was that they could just sit quiet and it wasn’t weird or awkward, so they often did while watching the other kids play, just enjoying each others company. 

Josh suddenly broke the silence, turning to Chris and blurting out “Hey do you wanna come to my house for a sleepover tonight?” Josh looked nervous, his brown hair flicking around in the wind into his eye while he tried to look anywhere but Chris, wringing his hands nervously. 

Chris looked like someone had just slapped him in the face, jaw on the floor. He spat out agreements, then his whole expression changed as he said he’d have to ask his dad. Josh excitedly bounced around beaming, talking about how they’d have so much fun, his mom would pick him up, they could watch movies, eat some food, and a million other schemes the boy could think of in the space of 5 seconds. He quickly but carefully wrote his phone number on the front of Chris’s notebook, so that he could call once he had asked his father.  
The bell rang, and Chris and Josh headed off to separate classes, Josh making Chris promise to call him later. 

The whole last class and walk home Chris was terrified. What would his dad say? Would he be allowed to go? He wanted to go so badly. He finally had a friend. Outside his apartment door, Chris stopped and dug through his bag to find his keychain. He put the key into the worn out lock and opened the door, a few flecks of white paint peeling off onto the ground as he did. He stepped inside, dropped his bag, and poked his head around the wall dividing the living area from the hallway. His dad was on his armchair, hand somehow wrapped around a beer bottle whilst his arm hung limp over the armrest. He crept into the room and up to his sleeping father, gently touched his arm and flinched as he sat up, slurring a question at him, before settling back into his original position. Chris told him he’d been invited to a sleepover, and that he was going to go, but he might as well have been talking to an empty chair, his dad’s only response a half snore followed by an alcohol fueled belch.

Realising he was off the hook, Chris silently tiptoed out of the room, suddenly full of excitement. He ran to his bedroom, throwing his blanket, enough clothes to cover every possible weather phenomenon, a torch, a book, his glasses case, his inhaler, a backup inhaler and anything else he might possibly ever need into a bag almost as big as he was. Satisfied, he ran through into the kitchen and grabbed the phone, hastily punching in the number Josh had scrawled on his notebook. As the ringing started Chris could feel his heart racing, beating so hard he could feel it in his throat. 

A woman answered the phone, and told Chris he had reached the Washington Residence. Chris, who hadn’t really made many phone calls and wasn’t entirely sure on the protocol involved, assumed that must be Josh’s mom, and introduced himself in his most polite voice  
“Hi my name is Christopher and I’m ringing for Josh he invited me for a sleepover?” His voice raised at the end, a little wobble of uncertainty.  
“Oh Christopher of course! I’ve heard a lot about you. I’m Josh’s mom, you can call me Melinda. I’ll get Josh for you now!” The voice on the other end of the phone was warm and welcoming, and Chris’s anxiety that this was all a cruel joke disappeared. Josh had proudly beamed to his mom that day that he had asked Chris for the sleepover, and had been waiting impatiently in his room since then awaiting any news. When he heard his mom shout that there was a phone call he was out of his room and running down the stairs in a flash, so fast that he fell down the final three. He was up fast and practically dived on to the phone and tried to play it cool with a simple “Hey”. 

“Hi..uh..its Chris from school” came the sheepish reply from the receiver, and Josh chuckled. 

“Well yeah” he replied, and the pair echoed that back and forth a few times before laughing, and Josh asked eagerly if his dad had said yes. 

“Um...yeah?” Chris’s replied. He had climbed up and was sitting on his kitchen bench at this point to make sure he didn’t pull the corded phone off the wall. Chris heard Josh turn around and yell at his mom that he’d said yes, and then Melinda's voice was back over the phone, asking if Chris knew his address and Zip code for the sat nav, and if his dad wanted to speak to her. Chris happily recited his info, saying his dad was totally okay with it. She told him that they’d leave straight away and be there soon.

Chris hung up the phone with a hurried thank you, and ran back to his bedroom. He grabbed his bag and tried to swing it onto his back, falling flat on the floor as the weight dragged him down. He shot up onto his feet, surprised, and quickly went about reviewing every item trying to narrow it down. Four minutes later, and with 70% of the bags contents strewn around his bedroom, Chris was satisfied and lifted the considerably lighter bag onto his back, that was definitely still overpacked, but Chris had never done this before.. He trotted happily into the kitchen and wrote a note for his dad on the fridge, reminding (or probably more accurately, informing) his father that he’d be out for the night. 

Chris swung the door wide open when Josh knocked, happily greeting him with a beaming smile. He gathered up his bag, only for it to be snatched away by Josh who insisted he should carry it, as he’s bigger, which Chris disputed even though Josh was clearly the bigger of the pair. Josh then made a big deal about putting the bag on his back triumphantly as the younger boy conceded, and peered over his shoulder into the dingy apartment. 

“Sooo….are your parents home?” Josh asked, squinting into the hallway ducking his head from side to side. Chris shuffled uncomfortably, standing to the right to block Josh’s view of the messy kitchen. 

“Uh...my dads in” Chris mumbled. 

“Am I supposed to meet him or I could call my mom up or something? She only stayed in the car with my sisters it’ll be no problem to just call-”

“No, no that's okay,” Chris interjected, leaning back to look past the wall into the sitting room, where his dad sat passed out on his chair. “He’s asleep”. He turned back to Josh and found that he had leaned in to try and peer past the wall aswell, the two boys stood almost nose to nose. Josh gulped and frowned, slightly flustered that they were so close to each other. He leaned back and shoved Chris in the arm. 

“Okay c’mon then loser lets go” Josh took charge and led Chris out the door, Chris locked it behind him and followed him down to the car. Josh got in the front, next to his mom who was driving, and put Chris’s bag in the footwell beside him, laying a hand on top of it protectively. Chris climbed into the back behind Josh, and was met with two heads peering over at him, Josh’s sisters. 

“Hi Chris! Are you ready to go? Hannah, Beth, stop staring!” Josh’s mom quipped from the driver seat of the small BMW. Chris, nodded, Josh turned all the way around in his seat grinning at him. He talked the whole way to his house, turning around in his seat to make eye contact with Chris and make sure he was still listening and still excited. His mom got frustrated with him twisting in his seat and threatened to turn around and drive Chris home, so Josh sat bolt upright straight as anything for all of 5 minutes, before finding an exploitable flaw in the system and turning to talk to Chris through the gap between the chair and the door, beaming proudly at him, still chattering excitedly. Chris was quiet most of the journey, he was nervous, suddenly surrounded by a lot of strangers and on his way to a friends house for the first time in his life. He had absolutely no idea what to expect, and would have freaked out if it wasn’t for Josh’s comforting smile squashed in a small gap staring at him most of the way. Chris giggled and relaxed, he had a lot of questions for Josh but the twins were unnerving him slightly, still silently staring at him, and he was too shy to speak up. 

Eventually the car pulled into the driveway of a big house. Josh practically vibrated in his seat with excitement and shot out of the car like a bullet once his mom applied the brakes, opening Chris’s door with his bag already in hand. The pair hurried inside through the door, Josh’s mom making them pause to pull their shoes off, giving him a chance to look at the utter amazement on Chris’s face. 

“This is your HOUSE?!?” Chris wasn’t sure he’d ever even seen a building so big and expensive looking before. 

“Well duh” Josh replied, rolling his eyes, not quite understanding the other boys amazement, of course this was his house where else why else would they be here, loser. “Race you up the stairs ready go!” he shouted, already running.  
Chris tripped over his own shoe but made a swift recovery, following Josh up the staircase not far behind him. He followed Josh along the hallway but they were intercepted by a figure, and Chris skidded to a halt so fast he nearly fell over, again. It was Josh’s dad, dressed up fancy and carrying a suitcase. 

“Aren’t you gonna introduce me?” He asked, looking down at the two boys. Josh sounded a lot less enthusiastic as he quietly introduced Chris, looking away from both of them. 

“Alright then boys, try not to have too much fun.” He ruffled Josh’s hair, said goodbye, and descended the stairs, suitcase in hand. Chris saw a light go out in Josh’s eyes. He stomped off to his room, carefully put Chris’s bag down on the floor, and threw himself onto his bed, scowling at the ceiling. Chris cautiously entered the room, slowly approaching Josh with a troubled and concerned look plastered on his face. He snuck up beside his bed, and reached out a hand to boop him on the arm. 

“Hey...is everything okay? Is he going away?” Chris asked, concern tangible in his voice. 

“He can’t really go away if he’s never here to start with” Josh huffed, and went on to explain that his father works on movies, he was away frequently, to the point where Hannah didn’t even recognise him until she and Beth, who are twins, were 4 years old. He said it was basically just them and his mom. Chris could feel the sadness and irritation radiating off Josh, and didn’t really know what to say. He gently put his arm around the other boy, murmuring quitely “my dad isnt really ‘around’ either”, as a show of empathy. To Chris’s surprise, Josh hugged him back in a tight warm embrace, pulled away looking directly into the other boy’s sharp blue eyes, and sighed heavily, looking a lot less overcome with emotion than before the hug. He sat cross legged on the bed and held onto Chris’s hand. He looked slightly perplexed, and asked Chris what he meant, after all he had seen his dad in his apartment sleeping. 

Chris shuffled a little on the bed, still holding Josh’s hand, and was entirely quiet for a few minutes. Chris exploded in a fast paced explanation suddenly, as if this was his one second to get it all out lest he remain silent forever. The boy explained his father was always either out for long periods of time, angry, or sleeping. Chris felt like he was alone most of the time, and felt very scared around his dad when he was angry, so didn’t really mind that he slept a lot. Josh took all of this in with a stare, frowned at Chris and softly bumped their shoulders together, squeezing his hand. Chris sighed and leaned into the other boy softly, feeling comfort go through him and once again not minding the moment of silence. Josh was the one to break it, with one very quiet, nervous question.

“....what about your mom?” he almost whispered, already fearing the answer. Chris immediately got a lump in his throat, and was a different kind of quiet for a while, looking everywhere but Josh. ‘cmon now Chris, don’t embarrass yourself’ he thought to himself, and tried to prepare his response. Eventually, with his mouth basically still closed to avoid his breath hitching, he simply said “She’s not here anymore”, teeth grit, his eyes betraying him by welling up with tears in blatant defiance. Josh’s stomach dropped immediately, looking at Chris who was clearly trying hard not to cry, and very close to failing. He dived forwards and embraced him, holding him really tight with all of his limbs, telling him he could share his mom and feeling a lot of sadness from the other boy. Chris was overwhelmed for a moment, and didn’t react, people showing him compassion was a somewhat alien experience, then hugged Josh back tight, burying his face into his shoulder, leaving a tiny wet mark when he eventually pulled away.

Chris sniffed, wiped his face and held Josh’s hand again, asking him questions about his mom and sisters with a sigh and a thankful smile. Josh squeezed his hand, smiling and told Chris all about them in detail, about how his mom was kind of spacey, but she never left them alone and she really cares about them, and she’d care about Chris too, that Hannah and Beth are twins and they’re in second grade and they’re really cool and ‘don’t tell anyone but sometimes I play dolls with them cause I don’t really have any friends’. Chris took it all in with a smile, and Josh looked back at him, thriving to have someone interested in what he was saying, and got a little nervous at the end part until Chris shot up and ran across the room to his bag, digging through it to pull out a slightly ragged stuffed animal, and ran back to proudly show it to Josh, announcing that it was really cool that he played with his sisters and this is his toy and he loves it. Josh beamed and dug around in his pillows, pulling his own stuffed toy out to show Chris. Both of the boys radiated genuine smiles, and both thought about how completely comfortable they felt. 

“Did Hannah and Beth ever pretend to be each other to play a prank like they do in the movies?” Chris quizzed, and Josh rolled off his bed backwards onto to the floor, hopping straight back up with a smile holding a photo album. He opened it and started showing Chis pictures of himself and the twins when they were younger, explaining they used to look a lot more identical and got dressed the same, until they started playing pranks and their mom eventually ended up getting their hair cut differently so they couldn’t do it anymore,  
“Because they’re pranksters, just like their big bro” Josh beamed proudly. Chris grinned and laughed, and told Josh they look really happy in the picture, and that he and his mom used to play tricks on each other too. 

“We are happy! The three of us love each other a lot and now you’re part of our family and you can be in pictures with us and you and me can play pranks on each other now if you want!!!” Josh spouted, Chris looking at him gratefully and hugged him tight again. 

“Josh! Chris!! Do you boys wanna order pizza??” Josh’s mom shouted up to them, and Josh took the opportunity to give Chris a tour of the house. After heading downstairs to put in their pizza order, Josh gave Chris a guided tour of the kitchen, the living room, the back patio and yard and his dad’s office (including a synopsis of every movie poster and explanation of almost every item). As they headed back upstairs, Hannah and Beth were standing in the doorway of Hannah’s room. Josh walked past them sticking out his tongue, and Chris followed, lagging behind a little, keeping a nervous eye on the pair. They said hi to him in unison, giggled and shut the door. Slightly startled, Chris did a half jog to catch up with Josh, heading back into his bedroom. They set up and started watching TV waiting for the pizza to come. Josh laughed as Chris asked whether the twins didn’t like him since they shut the door, and explained they were just shy because no one really had visitors. Pizza came, and Chris ate his way faster than Josh, he hadn’t realised how hungry he was until it was right in front of him.

With food successfully conquered, Chris went over to his bag which was still by the door, and dug through it to pull out his scruffy slightly tattered blanket, and lay it carefully on the floor. 

“No dude,” Josh looked at Chris and the blanket that looked like it would be less than useless to keep anyone warm, “you can come sleep up here with me!” he said enthusiastically “only if you want though.” he added nervously, not wanting to push any boundaries when he’d just made this friend. 

“Really? You’re so cool Josh!” Chris sounded genuinely surprised at the offer, but didn’t wait to hear if the offer would be revoked because oh man Josh’s bed was so comfy and so was Josh! 

Josh blushed, “I dunno I’m not that great” he said as he changed into his pjs,crawling into bed and fluffing up the pillow on what was now Chris’s side of the bed.  
Chris had just changed into what was more soft clothes than pjs, and jumped onto the bed, dramatically flopping down onto the pillow nearly knocking his glasses off. “No really, you’re really really great I’m having a really great time.” 

“I’m having a really good time too,” Josh smiled, “I really like having you over and you should come over more often”

“I would really love to come over more” Chris replied, sleepiness now audible in his voice.  
Josh got quiet and fidgeted with the blanket as Chris rubbed his eyes under his glasses. He gently took Chris’s glasses off, carefully folding them and placing them on the bedside table, before turning back over and giving Chris a very soft kiss on the forehead. Immediately he shrugged, bright red, “my mom sometimes does that when I’m tired” he explained, looking anywhere but Chris. Chris was also bright red, and watched Josh until he eventually looked at him, then tried to kiss his forehead back, but because it was dark and the whole world was a blur to Chris without his glasses, he ended up kissing Josh’s eyeball, prompting explosive laughter from the pair. Josh playfully shoved Chris, moving a little closer so their knees are touching, and Chris reaches out and holds Josh’s hand. “It’s really comfy here with you”

“Good” Josh replied, “Do you wanna be best friends?” he added in a whisper.  
A small gasp escaped Chris, “Yes definitely” he whispered back, voice full of confidence and certainty, squeezing Josh’s hand then throwing his free arm over him in an awkward half hug. “I’ve never had a best friend before, you’re so good Josh and you’re definitely the best best friend I could ask for.” he gushed sleepily.

Josh grinned sleepily, “I love you, ‘cause we’re best friends and best friends love each other!”

“I love you too ‘cause we’re the bestest best friends. We gotta do all the good things best friends do like be there for each other and build a fort some day and have a secret handshake” Chris could have gone on longer reeling off details of friendships he’s only ever imagined, influenced by TV shows and movies, but he trailed off after the handshake, still a little dazed and worried Josh didn’t feel as strongly as he did, but when Josh responded with ‘Duh, we’re the closest best friends and we’re gonna be best friends forever!’ the last of that doubt disappeared from Chris. He shifted the hand that was holding Josh’s, to wrap their pinky fingers together, whispering ‘forever’, then hugged the other boy again in another one armed embrace. 

The pair giggled again, Chris laid his head back on his pillow, right at the edge, and sighed “this has been the best day ever.”

Josh placed his head right on the edge of his pillow too, pressing his forehead against Chris’s, nodding in agreement. He pulled Chris’s hand up in his, and rested it under his cheek, settling himself down into the bed. Chris gently bumped his nose against Josh’s affectionately. 

“I kinda don’t wanna sleep cause I don’t want today to end”, he sighed “but it’s been so busy I’m so sleepy.”

“Go ahead and go to sleep, we had school so we’re really worn out,” Josh paused, “you should stay over tomorrow night too” 

Chris smiled sleepily, his words drawn out and exaggerated as he was essentially asleep already. “I really, really wanna, I wish I could stay here every night”

Josh laughed and shook his head, then nuzzled down on their hands. “Go to sleep you big loser” 

“You’re a loser” Chris managed to utter back, before sleep consumed him, slipping off into the most peaceful, happy sleep he could ever remember, with dreams of he and Josh going off on movie-worthy adventures.


	2. Holding Hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris and Josh agree to stop holding hands age 13/14

Chris lay on Josh’s couch, staring blankly at the ceiling. Fuck, how long has it been since he spoke this time? He frowned and rubbed his forehead, fingers slipping his glasses down his nose. He had been lost in thought again, troubled, as he had been for the past 24 hours. Replaying the same scenario again and again in his head, the same conversations, the same horrible anxiety inducing thoughts. His stomach twisted in fear. He went through it again, annoyed at his own desperation over this worn out thought.  
Last night he and Josh had been in his apartment, on the couch watching TV, cuddled up to each other and holding hands, which had been their default since they became friends almost 5 years ago. His dad wasn’t home, obviously, because he and Josh couldn’t if he was. His dad had made that perfectly clear in an argument 3 years ago, when he threatened Chris a day after walking in on a sleepover that he claimed he knew nothing about. Chris had told him at least 4 times, with plenty of notice, but his dad was always too drunk to remember. Or care. 

**\---------------**

Chris had to deal with his dads homophobic rages, spouting shit and calling Chris everything under the sun for being “too sensitive” by his dads bizarre standards. Apparently flinching at a raised fist is enough to qualify as gay nowadays. Needless to say, he and Josh tried to avoid the house when his dad was about. Which explains why they damn near jumped out of their skin when they heard the door open last night, on their feet by the time he staggered the three steps necessary for looking around the wall separating the living room. One look at him and Chris knew he was in trouble. 

By this point, Chris could immediately tell what level of intoxication his father was at, and what consequences that would have. Quite a useful skill for knowing when he needed to get out of the house, or one of the easier times when his dad would just pass out on the couch. 

This was unfortunately not one of those times. Chris stepped slightly in front of Josh, shielding him from his dads direct line of fire as the larger man stormed towards the pair like an angry bear. Josh had heard about Chris’s dad's outbursts, but had never seen one first hand before, so watching Chris standing there taking this abuse was shocking and upsetting to him. He seemed to focus on telling Chris to stop “That Queer Shit”, which evidently meant his closeness to Josh. 

Josh had watched as all of the confidence and all of the fight seeped out of Chris, his shoulders slowly dropping, his fists unclenching and his hands beginning to tremble, watched him start to flinch at his father's movements as the spew of abuse continued. When it was over, his father had stormed out of the house, screaming that Chris “had better not be there” when he got back, slamming the apartment door so hard that the picture on the living room wall crashed to the ground, and Chris flinched again. Josh slowly walked around him, ready to comfort him, but hesitated as he saw distant, glazed over blue eyes in place of the misty, watering eyes he was expecting. Chris looked like a blank shell of himself. Josh reached out slowly to put a hand on his arm, gently telling him he could stay over that night, frowning at his friend with concern. Chris had barely said anything since. 

**\---------**

 

Chris’s head was spinning. All he could think about was all the shit his dad had filled him with. He was full of rage, hurt and resentment, as well as anxiety.  
_‘Maybe Josh thinks it’s gay too and just doesn’t wanna hurt my feelings’_  
‘He hesitated before he touched me he probably believed everything my dad said’  
’he’s been so distant since it happened he didn’t invite me onto the bed he obviously believed him’  
‘I’m gonna ruin Josh’s chances of friendships by being the weird gay kid’  
‘Josh doesn’t want that but just feels sorry for me.’

Cycles and cycles of thoughts stormed around Chris’s head. Once again, all of the feelings left his body. He knew what he had to do to protect Josh. To stop hop being burdened by him anymore. 

Breaking the silence so suddenly that it hurt, Chris spoke up. “Look man, I think we should stop with the whole hand holding thing” Chris winced as the words came out of his mouth, stomach sinking with a cold, burning pain. God he wished he could take them back. But he cared about Josh more than he cared about himself, and to him this was the best way to protect him.  
“Is this because of your fucking dad?” Josh sat up in his bed, red hot anger in his voice. 

“No, we’re just going into high school and like how are we supposed to like meet people and like? Y’know date and stuff or whatever. If we’re always holding hands people are gonna think we’re gay Josh you don’t want that right?” The “right” at the end of his sentence came out more as desperation, a tiny reflection of Chris’s true feelings in amongst the level bluntness of the rest of his statement.  
Chris’s apathy seemed to have taken his body and emotions hostage, as he started talking it was as though the real Chris was locked away, screaming internally trying to fight this other Chris that was sabotaging the only good thing he ever had. He hated himself as he listened to himself say the same things his father had. He had no interest whatsoever in dating anyone in high school. All he needed was Josh. All he wanted was Josh. But that was selfish, and Chris thought this was him setting Josh free. He swallowed down the pain and the hurt and tried to focus on the fact this was all for him. 

Across the room, Josh’s heart broke.  
He felt like someone had just obliterated him, like a giant gaping hole sat where any semblance of a heart should rightfully sit. His sadness sat in his stomach and filled it like ice cold lead, as though it had sunk so deeply in him that it was down through the floorboards. They had been holding hands for so fucking long they can’t change it now. His wall went up fast, but not fast enough. Picking his cuticles, he shrugged and then exploded. 

“I mean I don’t know why it matters because we’re not fucking gay and Sam holds hands with Hannah and Beth all the time but whatever dude I don’t wanna cramp your fucking style I guess” Josh looks down at his hands and picks his cuticles. Before Chris can say anything, Josh snaps “Whatever why don’t we just go watch my dad’s new movie”. Josh knows that Chris will know that he’s finished in this argument, at least for now. 

Sat on the couch Chris felt like he was being strangled. He literally couldn’t get a single word out of his mouth as Josh left the room and went to go find the movie. He figured that was probably a good thing, he didn’t want to snap any more cold harmful shit at him. Chris just wanted to grab him and shake him and tell him to forget about it, that it’s all his dad's fault, that he doesn’t want anything to change. He wants to snuggle with Josh in the bed, the couch is comfy but curling up with Josh is heaven. He wants to know why he felt a pang of hurt when Josh said they aren’t gay. What he actually did, was shrug and nod. Eyes still fixed on the ceiling, staring through it rather than at it, silent tears dripped down his face. He was so angry with himself. He threw the covers over his entire body, trying to hide from the world. He fucked it up, all of it. Josh came back into the room, crawled in his bed and lay face first on the pillow. Chris knew he was trying to hide that he was upset. He wanted more than anything right now to go climb in that bed with him.  
_‘He hates you’_  
‘It didn't mean a lot to him if he just wandered off without fighting for it’’  
‘Your connection s are clearly one sided, otherwise he would have reacted more”  
“How could he possibly believe that you'd date anyone else’.  
‘There’s 1000s of replacements of you for him, but 0 replacements of him for you.  
‘How could you even pretend to think about dating someone when he's right there’  
‘He’s way out of your league’  
‘He's not even gay even if you might be gay he’ll never feel that way’  
‘Everyone's gonna bully him if they see him with you’  
‘It might hurt now but wait and see he’ll be happier without you’  
Chris’s thoughts swarmed until they were an angry, destructive force. Tears fell from his face as he tried to control his shaking breaths, uncertain and afraid. He waited until Josh made no more sound, until he was sure he was sleeping, and crawled out from under the blanket. Shuffling into the bathroom, Chris sat on the closed toilet seat. Sweat dripped from his body, he had been fully clothed wrapped tightly under the covers for..who even knows how long. He looked down at his hands, fingers stiff as he unclenched his fists, bright red marks left on his palms where he’d broken the skin. He stood up, deliberately closing his eyes to avoid the mirror above the sink, and splashed cold water on his hands and face. Quietly entering the bedroom again, he lay down on his back. He felt numb, and sick. Chris begged the universe for sleep, but the universe decided that he didn’t deserve it. He slipped out that morning not long after Josh woke up. 

 

The next few days were a blur for Josh. Chris had left, and he hadn’t seen him at school the following day, a friday. The weekend passed and he still hadn’t heard from Chris. He was mad at him, but also really worried. At his therapy appointment, Chris was not an unfamiliar topic for Josh, but for some reason the revelation that he may have romantic feelings for him was a huge shock. Josh felt blindsided by it, with the realisation both explaining a lot for him, and causing quite a lot of panic. What if he and Chris aren’t even friends anymore, when Chris was the only person who had ever made him feel that way? But, the recommendation was to give Chris some space, and as hard as it was, Josh stuck to it. 

When Monday came around, Josh was almost too scared to walk into school. When he entered his math class and saw Chris there, sat in his usual seat, relief flooded him that he hadn’t moved away or died or any of the other worries he’d had. Plonking himself onto his chair, Josh glanced over at Chris, and saw the other boy’s eye was a swirling mix of blues, purples and greens. The bruise was even larger than his large framed glasses, and the whites of his eye was bloodshot and red, making the deep blue seem almost alien. Josh gasped and Chris immediately looked away, turning slightly in his chair to face away from him. When the bell rang, Chris packed up and got out of the room in record time, and Josh was about to chase after him until he remembered he had to give him space, and so Josh put his head down and quietly got through the rest of the day. 

 

Chris’s dad wasn’t home when he got back from Josh’s, but when he did fall through the door that evening, he was still pissed. He screamed at Chris until Chris turned around and yelled back to him that he had spoken to Josh and was gonna stop it. His dad stopped, looked stunned and slapped him across the face. Chris got thrown off balance, crashed into the kitchen table and used the momentum to just run through to his room, pushing a chair against his door. He wanted nothing more than to run away, to leave and get to Josh’s house and stay there forever. He thought Josh hated him, he knew his dad hated him, and he had no one else. Chris couldn’t remember ever feeling so alone. His dad stayed home the next day, so Chris didn’t leave his room at all until late during the night, trying to avoid him at all costs.

Over the weekend he tried to only sneak into the kitchen for food when his dad wasn’t around, but on sunday afternoon he was scavenging in the cupboard when his dad walked in, slapping him across the back of the head for being in his way. Chris backed up and looked down, about to walk away into his room when his father grabbed his wrist.  
“What the fuck is wrong with you? You look fucking depressed you ungrateful piece of shit. Missing your rich f*g boyfriend? You fucking pussy” He spat out at Chris, who was staring him directly in the eyes. Chris saw red, and suddenly all of the emotions he had bottled in the last few days flew out in a spew of rage, directed at his father. He squared up, snatched his hand away and screamed at the intoxicated man to stop talking about Josh, that he had been the only good thing in his life and he’d ruined it “so just drop it”, that Josh was the only thing keeping him okay. When he stopped yelling, his dads face changed from one of shock, to one of rage, then Chris saw a fist, closely followed by the floor. The next thing he knew, he was blinking awake sometime sunday night, the strip light on the kitchen ceiling buzzing obnoxiously as it flickered, making Chris’s head spin. He sat up slowly off the dirty floor, and pulled himself to his knees, practically crawling into the bathroom. He could taste metal, which was quickly explained when he wiped his face on the bottom of his sleeve and it came away bloody. After throwing up into the toilet bowl, Chris got to his feet, unsteady, and looked at his face, swollen and puffy, cut open at the corner of his eye. The cold water cleaning the blood from the cut and his nose felt like it cut right through the daze, and everything was a little sharper afterwards. Taking a drink, Chris pulled out his phone. 5am. He pulled up Josh’s number, then backed out. Josh didn’t want anything to do with him anymore, he hated him. Regardless, Chris couldn’t stay here right now. He grabbed his things, and headed out the door to school. He got home that night earlier than he had in the longest time, since usually he would have hung out with Josh. 

Josh was feeling that absence hard. Bundled up on his bed, hugging a pillow, he sat surrounded by Hannah and Beth, who had heard nothing but talk about Chris all weekend.  
“Just message him, stop moping and just do it” Hannah proclaimed, while Beth scooped his phone off his bed and pressed it into his hand. They had been on like this for about 20 minutes already, and Josh finally conceded. Frowning into his screen, the girls watched as he punched in a message. ‘Hey dude, can you send me your class schedule? I wanna compare’. Still frowning, Josh turned the phone around to show Hannah before he hit send. Josh knew she had already been in contact with Chris, who had responded that he thought Josh hated him, and she always knew the right thing to say. With her approval, he hit send.  
The next 60 seconds was the longest of Josh’s life, and when his screen lit up with Chris’s name he thought his heart had stopped. He opened the message, Hannah and Beth moving to either side of him in an attempt to reading the screen. The other boy had sent a picture of his schedule back, and asked Josh how he was. The twins laughed at Chris’s blatant attempt to “play it cool”, they’d never seen the words “bro”, “dude” and “man” so many times in a two sentence response.  
‘Oh y’know. Whats with the black eye dude? It kinda makes you look tough as hell man, ur gonna have a billion girls all crawling all over you at school bro’ Josh rapidly typed and sent a reply, soaking in the contact with Chris. Hannah tutted at Josh’s blatant attempt to bury his feelings by talking about Chris getting the girls, but Josh just rolled his eyes, they’d talked about this. The phone chimed again.  
‘Oh yeah I had a fight with a door, that's what I get for trying to go to the bathroom at night without my glasses haha. Yup no one will be able to handle my rugged good looks now dude’.  
Chris sighed, he didn’t want to lie to Josh but how the hell do you talk about this shit. A minute passed, then two. ‘Fuck’ Chris thought, ‘He knows I’ve lied and he doesn’t wanna talk to me’. He through his head back against his wall, staring at the ceiling, and almost jumped out of his skin when his phone began to ring. He snatched it up off the bed, answering it swiftly.  
“Nice try dude, what the fuck happened” Josh’s voice firmly questioned him from the other end of the phone.  
“Shh wait a minute,” Chris hissed, and Josh heard shuffling in the background, followed by the distinguishable click of his apartment door closing. “okay..” he sighed, not knowing how to continue. Josh felt sick, but hearing Chris’s voice again was like a drug. He wanted to listen to talk to him forever, he hated Chris’s dad he hated him so much for taking Chris away, he hated that Chris had acted like him but god, he had missed Chris so much.  
“What’s goin’ on cochise?” Josh eventually enquired, his voice soft and warm and full of concern.  
Chris’s breath got stuck in his throat. Josh’s voice so full of care felt just like when they were kids wrapped up together safe in his bed, away from the rest of the world, protecting each other from the monsters and the bullies, back when they were safe. A lump grew in Chris’s throat as his mind split, one half wanting to cry and tell Josh everything, the other fighting to convince him that Josh felt the same way his dad did, maybe he was even in on it trying to see if Chris would tell someone. He felt like he was choking, the pressure in his head making him go dizzy. Eventually, his chest loosened and he managed to spit out a simple response “Things aren’t too good right now.” The other end of the line was silent, and although Chris was trying hard to stifle his crying, Josh still heard it, and was up off his bed immediately and looking under the couch for his shoes.  
“I’m coming over okay” he stated, not meant as a question.  
“No!” Chris said sharply, making Josh stop in his tracks, almost hanging up the phone “I’m sorry, no, don’t come here you can’t come here, meet me somewhere? Please meet me somewhere Josh” Chris sobbed into the phone, he couldn’t risk Josh being hurt but he needed to see him, more than he’d ever needed anything.  
“Where are you?” Josh huffed, shoving his feet in his sneakers and heading out his bedroom door.  
“I’ll meet you in the park, I’ll walk there now,” Chris sniffed, and when he didn’t hear any movement he panicked, thinking Josh wouldn’t come. “Please..” he half sobbed out, covering the microphone as he started crying again.  
Josh had stopped at the top of the stairs, trying to decide if this was a trap, but as soon as he heard Chris cry he was on his feet and running down the stairs. “I’m on my way I’m gonna ride my bike over.”  
Chris tried to thank Josh through the tears, and hung up the phone, shoving it deep into his pocket and putting his hood up and his head down, walking quickly. He got to the park and went straight for the corner, sitting against a tree. He was terrified that Josh wouldn’t show, and even more terrified that his dad would. Chris just wanted to dissolve into the tree, wondering how long he’d give Josh to show up before he gave up.

As it turned out, Chris didn’t have to wait too long at all. Josh rode right up to him on the bike, skidding to a halt in front of him and sticking a foot out on the floor for balance. As Chris stared at him, Josh uttered out a gentle ‘Hey’ and the boys continued to stare at each other. Suddenly, Chris reached out and grabbed at Josh’s leg, pulling him towards him as he began to cry again. Josh momentarily freaked out, thinking Chris was gonna hurt him, but when Chris began crying he got off the bike and onto the floor as fast as he possibly could, wrapping his arms tight around his shaking friend. Josh hated Chris’s dad for doing this to him, for treating him like this, Chris was ‘obviously’ not gay and just because he might be didn’t mean Chris was gonna catch it. He just missed his best friend, really really bad. 

Chris had missed Josh too, and clung to him for dear life. His brain raced - he’d probably hurt Josh pulling him off the bike like that, he hadn’t even really said anything to him yet, he’s such a mess, he’s just gonna mess Josh up, he should never have answered the phone, if Josh ever found out how much he meant to Chris he would hate him, but, God, it felt good to be in his arms. Chris had missed how safe Josh made him feel, how even his smell was calming, how he needed him.  
“I missed you so bad goddamnit Josh fuck I’m sorry I need you if you hate me please tell me but I need you right now you make me feel safe” Chris rambled almost incoherently.  
“Hey,” Josh started softly, rubbing Chris’s back “hey dude no it’s cool I don’t hate you, I thought you hated me. I hate not talking to you we’re supposed to be best friends, I missed you, god i missed you, dude you’re shaking I think you should come stay at my place tonight I don’t want you going home by yourself”  
Josh’s reassurance washed over Chris like waves, everything felt okay and right and he felt safe. He murmured to himself for a moment, then nodded in agreement. He raised his hands to wipe the tears from his face, thumbs pushed through a chewed in hole in the bottom of his sleeves, and bruised, bloodied knuckles poked out. Chris definitely had at least two broken fingers, and Josh’s eyes darted between his hands and his face.  
He reached out to pull down Chris’ hood, gently placing a hand on his cheek and turning his face to inspect the vicious purple and red bruise that made his eye seem even more blue. Chris stared straight into Josh’s soul, wishing they could just leave and run away from here together. Josh stared back, a look of genuine concern obvious on his face. He felt troubled, he wanted to take Chris’ hands in his own, run his fingers over the other boys knuckles he wanted to touch him, protect him. He didn't know how badly he wanted it he just felt it like a pull in his stomach from the core of his being, but he couldn't express it. He sighed.  
“look dude, can you ride my pegs home ‘cause my mom isn't home”  
Chris nodded and breathed a slight sigh of relief. He didn't want her to see him like this. Chris held Josh’s shoulders way tighter than he needed to the whole way back, even though it hurt his hands. Everything hurt, but he was with Josh, so it didn't even matter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This section isn't finished yet but will be hopefully soon


End file.
